He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
