TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
