Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
