so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
