you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
