Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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