If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
