I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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