Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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