I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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