the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
