just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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