we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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