My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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