Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
