based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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