I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
