Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
