guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
