the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
