You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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