i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
