My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
