How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
