Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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