John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
