I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
