listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize