gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Randomize
