I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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