Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
