it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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