How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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