dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
