saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just want nice things and good sex
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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