she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
