saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
