Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
