Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
