I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
