When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
