Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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