I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
