I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We need a shit load of segways right now
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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