Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
