Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
