So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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