Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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