Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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