i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she peed on how many people?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
