does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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