honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
