I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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