i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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