Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
