Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
